The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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