Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Randomize
