I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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