found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
