Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Randomize
