If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
