I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
