last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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