seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We had to coat check the pizza.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
