New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
