are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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