Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
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