there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
