im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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