When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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