I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
