Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
