I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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