yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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