I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
