She is in my trunk
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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