Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
