He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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