I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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