shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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