I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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