This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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