the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
