I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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