Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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