Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
