Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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