what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
