note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
