then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
