until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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