You smell like a Billy Joel song
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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