If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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