I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize