I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
