Where is the hickey?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
