I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
we're making bets on your personal life
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
