I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
