I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
