I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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