ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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