you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
