WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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