you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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