First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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