I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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