I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
