my mouth tastes like poor choices
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
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