its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
