Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
