Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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