one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
