So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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