We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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