So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
COCAINE IS GR8
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
