70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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