I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
