i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
